originally drafted: 19.07.13
Since I woke up this morning, maybe even last night but I may have been too tired to realize, I have been an emotional wreck. I have been feeling a little guilt over the lack of connectedness that I thought I was having with this pregnancy, then all of a sudden the pregnancy got really real for me, and all of the worrying and loving and caring went in to overdrive.
For weeks I have been wondering if my feelings are normal for second, third… and so on moms. All of the obsession with baby clothes, birth club boards, books, magazines, all the stuff that I instantly went crazy over with my first pregnancy, none of that stuff was really calling my attention with this pregnancy. Instead, I was worrying about how we could afford to care for another child, where we could fit this kid, how it was going to affect Alonzo, and if I could successfully parent more than one child, when the one I have is always driving me nuts as it is.
I felt bad that I was pregnant. Another child would be such a burden at this time in our lives. Why had I wanted to have another baby so bad? Why did I pray and pray and pray for this child all the way to the drug store the day I bought the test. I cried and bargained with God all the way to CVS, if only you let this test be positive… Then it was and I felt like I had casted doom over myself. I didn’t want to believe it. I needed to see the doctor. I had to be just sick. The test wasn’t clear enough. Why? Why? Why?
There was such fear of failure in me. I didn’t want to let my family down. I didn’t want to lose Alonzo as my baby. I didn’t want Anthony to feel the pressure of a family of four. I didn’t know if I could be a good enough mom.
Last week we went on a little family adventure (more on that in a post to come) and all week I kept judging our parenting style and our patience. I was convinced I could not be a good mother.
It wasn’t until we finally made it back home Wednesday night and Alonzo crawled up on my belly to lay down with me while I watched TV on the couch that I realized that we would be okay. I gently brushed his little curls with my fingers, he cozied up with me so lovingly, and I saw that he was so happy and secure. Then again last night, he joined me on the cough, showing me his Super Why cartoon as he attached himself to my legs. Anthony napped after our long first day back to work, and Alonzo and I cuddled.
It was moments in that my stomach started to feel little tingles and flutters, and I began to question if it was possible that Snowbell was joining us in our bonding moment. It seemed so much earlier than my first pregnancy, but after the feeling continued I feel safe in saying it was our little baby letting me know that we will all be fine.
Since then, I have been a wreck in a different way than before. Now my mind is working all of the possible scenarios of birth and complications, and now my motherly instincts have kicked in for this tiny growing person inside of me. Now it’s a different type of pressure, mostly good, but still difficult to move aside in my brain so that I can try to function as a working adult.
This baby growing stuff is tough, physically, mentally, and emotionally. We have now made our way through the first trimester, and it’s time to get this second trimester going in the right direction.
We love you Snowbell.