Guess what guys? I am totally worth it!
That is my newly found self love. I have recently fallen in love with myself. Truly, deeply, and it's the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I am not quiet sure how the process started, but it finally clicked as I was preparing a talk for a church youth group retreat. Every year we take our students out for a weekend and have an amazing three days of searching for self and god, and this year was the first that I would be one of the speakers. My topic was forgiveness, and it was pretty hard to work up something to say that I could truly own, and reveal to a bunch of teenagers, and hope that they could learn something from it. The night before the retreat it all came together and the day when I delivered the talk, I felt such a weight lifted off of me. In verbalizing the pain and process of acceptance and growth, I actually was able to let myself be free of a hurt that I had been carrying for so long, and of a shame that I kept bathing myself in each day.
FREEDOM was finally real in my heart and PEACE ran right through my nervous body, quieting my soul and resting me in love. That night I put my past in my past and for the first time in my adult life I am ready to live for me. I totally hate saying stuff like this because it sounds so cheesy, but I swear to you it is the absolute truth.
Back in December I joined Weight Watcher because I was tired of feeling fat. Being fat was always something that I accepted, but it wasn't cutting it anymore for me. Although I joined with every intention of bettering my life, I wasn't truly prepared for it and with the Holidays, it fell to the back burner.
Come January, I felt a little relief after quitting my coaching job, and a few good sessions with my therapist, and it seemed like a good time to pick up the point counting. For two weeks I was doing a pretty good job, but since the experience I had at the retreat, it's truly become something that I see myself accomplishing.
Never in my life have I imagined myself to be "fit". I knew I wanted to lose weight, but I never was able to actually visualize myself as the healthy, happy person that I absolutely deserve to be.
Now that I have found a way to love myself, I already see myself as this healthy, happy person, and when I see myself in the mirror, the obese person that is staring at me looks so foreign to who I feel that I am. This morning as I sat in my chair at work, I actually was poking at my fat like it was from another planet. It did not feel like part of me, yet I accept that for this moment this is who I am.
This is a new feeling for me, and this is how I know that I am finally ready to make this change in my life, and keep up with it for the rest of my life. I am aware that it will not be an easy, or short journey to good health, but that is okay. I am not looking to a finish line with this, this is a forever change.
In the past two weeks I have done more with my body than I ever imagined I would be able to do. For the first time in a long time I joined a gym, and not because it's the beginning of a new year, but because it's a beginning of a new me.
I am worth my own time, my own sacrifice, my own sweat and tears. I am an amazing person and the weight of shame, not fat, has been holding me down. The past will no longer determine my future.